Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
