Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
