my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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