is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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