Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
