this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
