Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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