my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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