The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
