If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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