The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
