I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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