I haven't been this sober since birth.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
