sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
