2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
