I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
