On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
