Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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