I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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