my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
