were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
