I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
