That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
