Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
