FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
