This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
