if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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