That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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