So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
