i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
