Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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