nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
