Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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