Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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