thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
