Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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