I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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