I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
