Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
