when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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