can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
