i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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