my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
