i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
