So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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