my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
