Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
