No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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