I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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