I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
